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· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
· Life is sexually transmitted.
· Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal..
· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'
· In the same vein, who was the first person to look at a chicken and say, 'I think I'll eat the next thing that drops out of its butt !'
· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
· Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
