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from an email--thanks cj
HOMEMADE CHILI
WARNING : ONLY Read This When You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD
I went to
Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of
action was a wise one.. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and
consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to
shit yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point
of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if
you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off..
Here's the
thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee
(and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.. No 'Watson's
Movement. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal
tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by
my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing
that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I
bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to
refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I
selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for
purchase.. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from
the toilets that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't
look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to
that 'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the
wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the
night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they
bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into
the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction
of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies
fired a warning shot.
There I
stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a
toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was
afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odour might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red
aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don't
know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be
to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever
been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean,
and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've
warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into
an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odour so terrible
that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to
stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying
to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but
then made me laugh. ........BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's
the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if
you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst
forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was
later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone
was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no
longer funny.. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store
towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd
make it before the grand explosion took place.
Luck was
on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the
inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is
burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the
middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a
gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that
bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
Once
finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart
intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached
me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It
appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is
going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to
take care of the problem.'
My
smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape
me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to
cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S
YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was
unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not
to return.
Home
again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but
leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to
shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court
over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint
the store.
HOMEMADE CHILI
WARNING : ONLY Read This When You Are Able To LAUGH OUT LOUD
I went to
Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of
action was a wise one.. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and
consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to
shit yourself' road-kill chili. Tasty stuff, although hot to the point
of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if
you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off..
Here's the
thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee
(and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.. No 'Watson's
Movement. Despite the chillies swimming their way through my intestinal
tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by
my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'.
Knowing
that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I
bravely set off for Home Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to
refinish the deck. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I
selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for
purchase.. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from
the toilets that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't
look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to
that 'Uh, Oh, Shit, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the
wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The chillies from the
night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they
bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into
the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction
of the toilets which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The chillies
fired a warning shot.
There I
stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a
toxic cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was
afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odour might escape me.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my
body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red
aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help.
I don't
know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be
to the toxic non-visible fog that refused to dissipate.. Have you ever
been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean,
and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've
warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into
an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odour so terrible
that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to
stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying
to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but
then made me laugh. ........BIG mistake!!!!!
Here's
the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if
you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst
forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was
later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone
was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no
longer funny.. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store
towards the toilet, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd
make it before the grand explosion took place.
Luck was
on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the
inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is
burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the
middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'.. He made a
gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Son-of-a-bitch!, did it smell that
bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.
Once
finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart
intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached
me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It
appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is
going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to
take care of the problem.'
My
smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape
me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to
cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S
YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was
unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not
to return.
Home
again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but
leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to
shop at Lowes. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court
over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint
the store.
